you were everything but gentle with me 21.04.21
you fucked me up for life
and i was taken from you as eve from adam, incubated for thirty six days. they pressed the flesh to my ribs with cold bare hands, tore my eyelids back and my fingers apart. they pulled me from the oven, apple still between my teeth and told me not to bite.
this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. does she know how you feel?
the roadkill rabbit, the wasps, the low hum. the driver (distant), the hawk (even further). the benzodiazepine, the embalming fluid, the ghost. the cat.
with a hissing divinity 30.09.21
i think i will sew everything shut so nobody can get in
mutual aloneness 27.09.21
like reaching into a pond, the fish brushing past my fingertips, slipping through my hands each time i grab ahold of one.
a true alien sees through a wider lens than most. pictured, the world, and the peripheral adjacent (where the Past creeps in, its sly tendrils infecting. where the Past rips the skin from the flesh to reveal the Truth beneath).
the fawn, already half-empty, dragging its hooves from the greed.
the wolf, lusting blades bared, 35mm eyes casting hungry spotlights through the grass.
the story the fallen angels tell: i lost my footing, the ladder slipped, i tumbled to earth in feathers like a dying dove/in glowing light like a meteor/in a flurry of snow and stars."
i writhed in heaven's jaw until it spat me out and brushed its teeth. they wrapped me in a polypropylene woven sack fastened with zip ties and threw me down into the ocean, hoping i'd drown.
she used to listen to eminem. she was supposed to name her daughter after his (hailie), but the daughter never came (her fallopian tubes tied her ovaries in a chokehold).
she's a different person now. she has many stories to tell. the umbro hoodie with the racing stripes is collecting dust in the back of the closet.
it amazes me how people have such 'full' lives, and constantly shed themselves and grow and build and Do and Live. they make their lives look so Lived, i wish we could polish them and encase them in cabinets in hallways and make museums (but people don't hold themselves together, there are pieces of people in every corner of the earth, a person's twice-molt self could deliver pizza to them and they'd forget to tip). i'm stale; burned and brittle around the edges, cold, raw pink meat in the middle.
im sick of this living. i want to feel something real. i want to be real. i want to exist. i'm nothing. hollow, empty, i'm nothing without my disease. i'm nothing. i do not exist.
throat rot 14.06.21
all this to be pure in the eyes of the Lord
it will be worth it for my freedom
black dog 05.06.21
i feel sick. im tired. i hate everything. i cant serve this body any longer.
waiting for a miracle 21.05.21
sometimes I snap into reality and think. Is this really how I want my life to be? and then I laugh and answer Yes to myself. silly me doesn't know what true happiness is.
limb by limb/tooth by tooth 20.05.21
i wish that i was bullet proof
idk honesty 18.05.21
it's all connected in my head. reading about it makes me want to vomit.. it's so horrible, it's all so bad, I just want to be pure. I can't cope with being exposed to uncleanliness. I want to be empty, I want my stomach hollow, my insides untouched by sin. i just want to be clean,pure and safe. i want to scrub my body until it's all red, rid of my dirty skin, and i can't serve this selfish body any longer.
this happens again and over again and i still can't find an answer. i want to just rot away and be finished.
..and Satan entered into Judas who was called Iscariot, belonging to the number of the twelve. (luke 22:3)
..and the Devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. (revelation 20:10)
day 0 13.05.21
i need a word with god. this week has gone so fast. why am i such a slave to this body? i really, i really just want to overcome this. i think maybe more than anything.. but idk, i want a lot of things. maybe that's my problem. i guess i'm grateful for the fat on my bones and the breath in my lungs. deep down, i haven't lost my place. i guess i just need to find a new way to experience myself.
you were in my dream 08.05.21
we were sitting around outside the hall, there was some other people but i don't remember them. it was raining but we were singing anyway. you asked me about my house and my pets.. i think every time i address an entry to "you", i'm talking to a different person.
or maybe not.
i don't //like// the way that i look, but i think that's probably the least of my worries right now, yknow? in the past, i placed so much importance on presenting myself in a certain way but i know now that changing any physical part of myself doesn't actually solve all my problems, or even really a single one of them. i need to work on.. creating some sense of identity on the inside, before i work on the outside. it really has to come from within, i'm done creating personas for myself and then trying to mold myself around that image.
talking about.. my body, on this website, is surreal, because even though they're all my own thoughts, reading through the entries on here has always felt like reading a forum in which strangers are having conversations, and i don't connect any of the words here with a mouth to speak them, let alone my own.
i think right now i'm doing the bare minimum in terms of keeping my body alive, and remaining a functioning member of society, because i'm really just trying to do things i enjoy. i want to learn how to have fun.. crazily enough.
it replays again and again in my mind. i think of their bodies seized, as the serpent writhes through them. i think of maggots eating a mass. my stomach hurts so much!!
not going anywhere 02.05.21
it's never been fashionable to be me.
what is life but the devout faith that you'll die?
I'm not sad.. not having a bad day. I'm very fatigued. I miss someone.. something, maybe a feeling, beyond what this world can offer. that's all..
how to walk the line between forgiveness and self-sacrifice? I think these things only come with time. today I'm not sure who I am, how much I am, or how much I'm allowed to be, and I won't be sure tomorrow either.
I don't want to hold all this hatred within me forever. I can't let it be written on my grave.
dandelion leaves 25.04.21
my jaw is always so tightly clenched. muscles painfully aware of themselves. feels like i have to actively hold my body together, or i'll lose it.
i've never felt like a gorgeous daedalian machine, the way school books tell me I am. i share more genes with a kit car.
i'm at atomic war with myself and everything beyond the things i deem "safe". i can't step outside of this anymore. i want to live monotonously until i die.
fear of the flock 23.04.21
all these people get up in the morning and make themselves look nice for the day and go to work and do their chores and meet with their friends. people buy clothes online and dye their hair,and people commute in herds from one field to annother. i've not felt fear like this,not for a long time.
i can feel them looking at me. the trees have eyes, the windows hide cameras, the concrete street writhes beneath me
i'd take my chances with only the crabs on christmas island as my friends.
1 corinthians 15:55 22.04.21
so tired of being so young
let me break free from this skull that holds me together.. let me fall apart, let my "selves" unravel..
i'm grateful for sin on earth. the pain you've caused will one day take me home.
you were everything but gentle with me 21.04.21
you fucked me up for life
I don't know why it always has to be this way. why can't I just be left alone? why does this part of life come so easily for everyone but me? should I just stop thinking about it?
I know the point of faith is that there's no answers, but surely someone must know? there can't simply be nothing, there must be something
a reason for the blood in my body beyond my own speculation. I'm built from unanswered questions, and if someone were to answer them, would I even exist?
I can't exist as a finite piece of organic matter
I need a number, a colour, a code, something inseparable from reality
I'm tired of being split in half
"someday I'll find me,"
"someday I'll find me."
the crawl 19.04.21
death is ugly and perverse. I hope you're still waiting for me
amnesia/i'd rather not know
the memories never give a warning before they hit. i'm confronted with the vision of two girls running to hug me on the driveway, our arms around each other. i remember coconut ice cream, but it could've been anywhere.
i swear i can hear synthesisers from across the street, but by the time i roll my window down it could've been anything.
(please stop touching me)
the colour of it all makes me sick to the soft of my bones (I could be your servant, I could be your servant)
cornered by the greyhounds
pink eyed wolf, don't eat me whole. pierce me with your teeth, wear my blood around your mouth like a medal to show my family I'm not coming home.
my body is so uncomfortable 17.04.21
i want to be weightless.
i hold this disease in the veins laced through my flesh. a stork flew over my head while i was walking my dog. my dog ate a dead rabbit. we don't see a lot of storks here, plenty of dead rabbits though..
i received a handwritten letter through my door today, signed with a name i don't know. there was a lot of bible passages proving god's love for humanity.
i don't believe in a god, and i don't advocate for humanity either. i think cults are good for the world, but isn't this same crap a little old by now?
weird dream 13.04.21
her blood was a colour that doesn't exist yet on earth. she said it was "greenish", and seemed so nonchalant about it, but the picture she showed me was orange exploding in a mushroom cloud. still, I think my tiny human brain understood the colour, even if I can't describe it.
sometimes I see pink haloes around my neighbour's shrubs in their front garden. another colour that exists only in the space between two visible shades.
I wonder if colour is even real if it's always subjective. it would be stupid to assume my three cone cells are the be all/end all of the spectrum.
sweet thing 12.04.21
you used to let me cut your hair. and it looked so bad, but you were so happy. I miss making you happy.
a moving shade of birnam wood 10.04.21
the locust molts its skin over the course of one to two hours. it will hang, delicately, from a branch or reed, and its exoskeleton will soon lift from its body and it will, through a small hole it chewed, slide out like a newborn lamb. the locust, upon molting, has a soft and vulnerable fresh exoskeleton and appears a pale white colour. it will remain there for a little while, fluttering its wings to air out the dampness in preparation for flight.
i think i spend too much time waiting, but what else is to do? anticipation, imagination keeps us alive. maybe i should thank the world for giving me so little that i have the ability to hope for so much. maybe "hope" has always been my other half.
it's cold like death. it's empty.
the sun will set and the air will still. in the end, every living creature must face their own vulnerability
I don't have enough control.
dead flowers taped to a road sign 02.04.21
the air in my house is very cold today. I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, or something is being hidden from me. I hate when everyone else knows something that I don't.
I saw two separate people wearing the same coat today. one in the morning, one in the afternoon. the world is recycling its assets..
I saw some graffiti that said "WAKE UP!" it made me laugh because I think I saw that in a dream once. I'm awake now, stop telling me =]
I wish I didn't automatically politicize myself. today my existence is a different social issue than it was yesterday. leave me alone.
rabbits are better than people.
somehow, I'm a big red ball of meat. which might be the last thing I expected to be.
I think sometimes humans forget that they're aliens too.
I realise how weak my body is, and that scares me. my pulse feels too strong for my veins and I think they're going to burst open. to hold all this physical matter within my control is the biggest embarrassment I can never escape from, and I don't think I could ever be ready for it.
my skin problems are worse today, my knuckles have started cracking and bleeding. it's like my skin isn't stretchy anymore. my hands are just covered in chunks of dry dead flesh.
I worry about chemicals entering my blood. it's too early to die of blood poisoning.
planes circling my house 27.03.21
all night, going around and around.